My sister called in a bomb squad and had my present diffused. Someone who reads the paper must have tipped her off.

That's alright, the present wasn't pilfered with until Christmas, which was the first goal, at least until I thought about her getting caught red-handed (possibly literally).

I spent Christmas Day with all of my relatives, which made me very happy that we don't all live together like the Waltons. Don't get me wrong, I love my family very much. But I also love my solitude.

Raucous bursts of laughter, constant chatter, paper ripping, food cooking, telephones ringing, the dishwasher humming, the television playing, Christmas songs on the radio, knocking on the door, all blending together into a headache symphony.

Sometimes it seemed more like a nervous breakdown than a holiday. At my house, I usually sit and listen to the fire logs crackle or turn on some good music and read a book. I never have too many things going at once that make noise. We are bombarded with noise by necessity in society and sometimes that's almost more than I can stand. I wonder how the Waltons stayed sane. They must have all been on the "recipe." On the other hand,

I did enjoy seeing everyone at once. Christmas is a nice time to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

At any rate, here I was in the middle of another noisy Christmas, just sitting back and taking it all in. That"s when I realized my gift trap had been discovered prior to my sister sneaking in. Let me give you some advice. If you want to booby-trap a Christmas present and have it work, don't write about it in the newspaper.

Anyway, after a good period of people walking in to the call of, "Take your shoes off," the meal started. The food, as usual, was glorious. Ham and smoked turkey, broccoli with nasty stuff in it (maybe it was casserole, but why ruin good vegetables?), rolls, wax beans with fat meat, sweet 'taters and way too many kinds of cake and pie to list here.

Of course, I have never been one to enjoy sugar-filled desserts. I just don't like sweet fudge, cake and pies. It takes a plate full of ham and green beans and turkey to make up the calories of a medium-sized piece of cake.

But nonetheless, I still manage to eat enough of the "good" food to gain a pound or three. I even tried the butter beans after someone told me they taste nothing like lima beans. They still aren't all that good, but they are much more palatable than lima beans.

In fact, right after dinner, I had to lean back and discreetly unbutton the top of my pants. They suddenly seemed too tight and were making little dents in my stomach. I could feel every seam in the pants.

After I had let my newly-found belly have a little jiggle room, I felt much better. I leaned back in the chair and thought, for the ump-teenth time, "I shouldn't have eaten so much."

To me, Christmas is like a big night at the Chinese buffet. I always get my money's worth. Much to my surprise, I got a phone call right after dinner and almost lost my pants when I jumped up suddenly. I managed to grab them before they hit the floor and didn't give anyone more than a "plumber shot."

I guess I am going to have to stop overeating on holidays. Then again, perhaps I'll just buy bigger pants.

Oh well, it won't be a problem for long, I had to start eating my own cooking again on Tuesday.

Goodbye, belly.

Get more tongue in cheek commentary this week's issue of the Alleghany News!

Email: allnews@ls.net