Recently a groundhog came out of his hole near Sparta and started to announce six more weeks of winter and someone shot him. Seventeen times.

Yes, I've been hearing a lot of complaining this year about the weather. I'm not sure why people are complaining, since that never changes anything. As if telling some guy at the restaurant that you're sick of the snow is going to change anything. "I'm sick of this nasty winter weather," I've heard over and over.

Does anyone expect to hear, "Sure, I'll go clean that up right now. Sorry if the snow has bothered you. Would you like me to raise the outdoor thermostat to 72 degrees on my way home as well?"

Sorry to tell you this, but we're going to be having a real winter as long as it lasts and no amount of bellyaching is going to change that. In fact, it'll make it worse if we have to deal with harsh weather and complaining. So, just to cheer everyone up a bit, I decided to go ahead and think of 10 positive things about having lots of cold, snowy weather:

1). The auto parts in the front lawn and the tree limbs that fell in December are all covered up with a uniform blanket of snow. For the past few weeks, both nice yards and junky yards have looked the same. Do you get tired of hearing about how lush the neighbor's grass is? Well, your yard looks exactly like his right now. Just think, when all this melts, the yard will go back to looking like it did before. In my case, that will be a jumble of mud and tree limbs, but it's home.

2). Shoveling snow is good exercise. Besides, how could one get ready for spring gardening without some shovel and rake practice? Not only is it good exercise, it also offers a good excuse to get away from one's family for a few minutes and thus reduces conflicts arising from cabin fever.

3). Snowplows coming by and refilling the end of the driveway with snow offer good opportunities to learn patience and self-control. I heard one fellow threaten to egg the next plow that fills in his driveway, but I told him that's not a good idea. Besides, he can't stay awake all night waiting for them-he works third shift.

4). Bread, milk and egg producers are always thankful for a few snowflakes. After all, that's the only time every grocery store in North Carolina runs out of all three simultaneously. I don't even know why people want to buy those together, since they only things I know of that you can make out them are French toast and bread pudding, but at least we all get to see each other at the grocery store.

5). Local body shops definitely benefit from little bump-ups in parking lots and along roadsides. Besides, that's the only way the average person will ever get anything back for their investment in really good full coverage automobile insurance. Well, that or running over a deer or a cow.

6). Winter weather often leads to the cancellation of school, which means the child slave labor workforce more often available to tote firewood. Just think, if it were just cold and not snowy, you'd have to do it all by yourself. Admittedly, digging logs out of a snow drift leaves something to be desired. At least there's the consolation of watching children learn the value of honest labor and the average weight of a stick of wood.

7). It's hard to ride a sled on dirt. And don't forget the enjoyment of building a snowman, getting hit in the head with snowballs and making snow angels. Making mud men, throwing dirt clods and wallowing out mud angels really doesn't have the same charm.

8). It's a great opportunity to catch up on quality family time. In between childish spats over who's been touching whom, I hope you all share some real touching moments together. If that doesn't work, just stay on your side of the room until spring, if you don't mind.

9). It's hard to justify owning snow shovels, a snowblower, a snow plow or snow shoes if it never snows. Those who invest in plows, as well as a good number of those who have tractor payments, depend on snowy weather. Meanwhile, those who own snowmobiles may have moved a little too far south to use them most years, but this year is different....

10). All the Floridians, as well as the folks who put the 'north' in North Carolina-many came here to get away from New England winters-might stay away in droves. That way there will be less competition for milk, bread and eggs.

Just think, if the winters stay like this for a few consecutive years, there may be fewer people who talk like the people on cable news programs. Just a note to my friends who came south to ride "ATVs" and use "roto-tillers," as well as those who don't know what 'cake icing' or fatback are: no offense intended. There is one thing I will ask our carpetbagging cousins-we'll forgive you for your ancestors' role in the War of Northern Aggression if you'll teach the flat-landers how to drive in the snow faster than five miles per hour. Better yet, invite them over daily for eggs benedict and yankee pot roast from 6:30 a.m. until 6:30 p.m.-please just keep them all off the road as we head to and from work.

You know, I'd be willing to bet you that a lot of the northerners are feeling like they should have picked someplace warmer to move, like Vancouver or Alaska. I hear tell that the glacier is melting in Iceland but the New River is freezing solid. Al Gore keeps saying that all the polar bears are going to die if it keeps getting warmer. If I get any more of this 'global warming' at my house, I'll need a wolly mammoth to ride to work on. Come to think of it, maybe someone will make coats, gloves, hats and boots out of all those dead bears and ship them to our area, where folks are freezing half to death. All the Eskimos are going to be wearing bathing suits year round anyway.

Well, that's all the happy things I can think of this week. And just remember, with the few days of melting, we're down to only a few inches of snow cover and mud.

But it's bound to get better since the groundhog is dead that kept harping about extra weeks of winter. Nobody wants to hear that mess from him or anyone else this time of year.
 

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