As many of you might know by now if you've ever taken the time to read one of these columns, I'm the sort of fellow who tries to do everything himself.

I've always figured I could save enough money to do twice as much by not paying someone else to do work that I can easily do myself.

Plumbing, simple electrical, carpentry, mechanical and more, all seem possible through the star-glazed eyes of a savings-minded homeowner. However, savings aren't always realized when one tries to 'do it yourself.'

One recent example comes to mind, partly because it is a good example and partly because it is hard to forget something that is still going on as I write this.

I decided to put together the oil line for the house myself, rather than get a company to do it. As a refresher, as I was doing the vinyl siding work at the house, I decided to go ahead and move the oil tank away from the side of the house (which also could be called the back of the house) and move it to the far end, out of sight and more out of the way. Doing so left me lacking about 50 feet of copper line, which I purchased at great personal expense. After having flared all the fittings on the new pipe, I started unrolling the coil as I inched through the creepy crawlspace under my house. Near the entrance, I saw a spider eating a spider, that's how rough it is under there. About 10 feet in, I found the remains of a possum, which I felt I would have to remove before going any further. Not only did it smell, the thought of crawling over it wasn't something I could handle.

I also found several pieces of food-related garbage under there, like a sardine can, a few bowls we had used to feed the cats with and a chewed bowl that may have came from a local Chinese restaurant. Throwing out what I could, I continued to make my way through the dank and musty, yet dusty, hole beneath the house dragging a flaring tool, a roll of copper and fittings and a couple of wrenches. After seeing the dead animal, I wondered if whatever killed it might still be under there. Obviously, it wasn't a snake or the body wouldn't have been left. Then again, whatever killed it didn't eat it. Somehow that didn't comfort me either, knowing that something that kills for fun might live under there. I succored myself with the thought that the unidentified corpse was happy critter that died of old age after having made a nice living off of my garbage can, or perhaps he choked to death on a sardine.

At any rate, countless spiderwebs and rustling noises later, I finally reached the old line and joined the lines together. After calling for someone to turn on the oil at the tank and turn the heat on to help it start flowing, I soon saw there were no leaks. Well, at least no leaks under the house.

When I crawled out, covered with dirt and spiderwebs, I noticed something I didn't want to see. There was a leak at the spout on the tank that hadn't been there before - a slow, but steady, drip. The oil filter also was canted at a slight angle. After straightening the filter, the leak grew to a faster drip. I then took a small wrench from my pocket and turned the fitting on the tank outlet, which shockingly fell apart in my hands. For at least a second, I was frozen, mortified, by the sight of kerosene trickling out over my hands. It was one of those "Oh crap!" moments when the body just freezes as the mind tries to absorb a suprising outcome to a simple action. With red gold starting to pour now, I finally managed to shut my gaping mouth as I reached up and started cranking down the tap on the tank. The pour slowed back to a fast drip, but the shut off would no longer seal the tank. Having no further options, I hung a handy bucket on the spout to buy some time and then ran up to the building and picked up some supplies.

Using hands more than my mind, I grabbed plumbers putty, two part epoxy putty and a few tools. The first thing I tried was tightening the shutoff handle even more, but to no avail. After having failed at that, I realized that my only option might be stopping up the hole in a more substantial way.

With a shutoff in hand, I decided to try to take the tap off and replace it with a plug temporarily. As I put the pipe wrench on it, the shutoff's top half and handle also fell apart, leaving no more than a hole with kerosene quickly pouring out into my bucket, which I was now holding with one hand. After yelling for help to anyone who might listen, I held the handle in place until I could get some plumbers putty into the open hole. With relief in hand for the moment, I got out the epoxy and started mixing it. In case you don't know, it comes in a tube about the size of a hot dog and the center is one kind of material and the outside is another. Once it is mixed, it turns hard as metal in about five minutes. However, while I was still mixing, which takes a couple of minutes, I saw another leak spring forth. The pressure had punched through the plumbers putty from a pinhole, the kind of leak that sprays straight out. Sadly, the only thing between the leak and my face was empty air, leading me to make spitting noises as I tried to hold up the bucket while leaning over to pick up more plumbers putty. After finally getting the hole stuffed with putty the second time, I then pushed the mixed epoxy into the end of the broken tap and stood and watched it until it hardened, expecting at any moment to have more kerosene spraying out. Thankfully, that didn't happen.

Now covered with kerosene, which, consequently, does not wash out of clothes well even with degreaser, I headed to the house to try and get cleaned up.

Thankfully, the epoxy and plumbers putty worked together to seal the leak, which has stayed drip free for several days. Just prior to writing this, I had gone out to the tank to attempt to turn out the old faucet, only to realize that the metal was just breaking away. The tap may have had some kind of thread locker put on it before it was installed to prevent it from coming out. Isn't that great! At least I had sense enough to stop before it started leaking again. If I don't figure something out, I may have to get the kerosene, some 150 gallons, pumped out so I can do some hammering and chiseling on the old tap that's now a plug. That could end up costing over $100.

The whole thing reminds me of a credit card commercial. New copper line, $50. New fittings and replacement parts to fix an oil tank, $30. One set of ruined clothes, $30. Crawling over a dead possum and getting sprayed with kerosene only to find out you should have hired someone to fix your oil tank instead of doing it yourself, priceless. I may end up needing to get psychiatric help after this. Maybe I'll use my credit card to purchase some happiness, just like the commercial implies. Right after I get done paying for the tank snafu, that is.
 

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