As I write this, I am sitting beneath an umbrella fluttering in the cool breeze.

Beside me is my little green cellular phone, which only rings on occasion. I have voicemail. Sometimes the phone will ring and other times it does not. Either that, or all of my friends lie to me to make me feel better about myself. "Sure, we all called you yesterday," they tell me, all the while sniggering amongst themselves at my naive ignorance. "He really thinks we called and, get this, he thinks his phone isn't working properly," they could be telling each other. My, what a paranoid thought that was.

But as for the phone, the battery has taken to falling out for some reason. As I recall, it started happening after I dropped it repeatedly on asphalt, hardwood floors, large rocks and once on a deck from the top of a mobile home.

On a mobile home with a mobile phone, which became mobile and connected itself to the not so mobile deck. It doesn't work out nearly as poetic as it sounds, trust me.

The phone also had a $15 plastic clip on the back, which is also broken and has attributed to many phone-dropping incidents. Soon after I got the phone, another company offered a deal with more minutes and less money. God bless our free market economy and educated consumers like me.

As for my current situation, the umbrella is attached to a table, which is in front of my chair, which is holding me off the ground. This is good since I am near a small stream and I am sure the ground is quite soggy. I don't want to be electrocuted - I am typing on a laptop computer, which is plugged into a drop cord to charge my forgotten battery. At least I haven't dropped it. The computer was recently purchased off the Internet. I got a pretty good deal in it. But of course, if I paid too much, I would say that I got a pretty good deal so that I could save face.

I like to think I got a good deal because I bought it on the Internet. After all, if you purchase a computer while using a computer that should at least give you some sort of brownie point recognition, if not a real, honest to goodness discount.

I have subconsciously agreed with myself that I will subsequently ignore any and all offers for similar laptop computers for the next year or so for fear that they will be significantly cheaper. Should that happen, I would lose even more money visiting my therapist and being less productive at work due to an utter and complete lack of sleep for several weeks on end. The thing that should be keeping me up at night really hasn't bothered me at all up until recently. Why do I need all of these mobile conveniences to start with? Is there really that much that can't wait until I get home to work on the computer or make a phone call? A cellular phone is a nuisance blended with a convenience. It is almost like paying people to bother you. I think they are popular now because everyone has one. It is just the vogue thing to do. I was out on a walk the other day and inadvertently stuck the phone in my pocket. It rang while I was contemplating life in a woodland clearing. I almost messed myself and then I thought how odd that ringing sound was out there in the middle of nowhere with no lines or anything. It was just wrong. I didn't answer it.

I decided to take care of the problem. I called my cellular phone company on my cellular phone and told them that I would like to cancel my service. How quaint.

The company kindly informed me that my contract will continue until fall, until which time they will fine me $250 to get out of it. Snookered again. I should have read the fine print, but green is such a pretty color.

I suppose I will just keep the phone until fall, at which point I will give them a Johnny Paycheck style farewell and shoot my phone with a high-caliber rifle. Perhaps I could give it away so that someone else could sit back and kick their own rear for paying too much for people to bother them. It helps pass the time.

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