Yes, it is starting to feel like summer time.

I went on my first major fishing trip of the year over the weekend and had moderate success.

In fact, a friend and I were fishing and I garnered bragging rights for catching the most fish and even the first fish, but not the biggest fish.

I had been slaying them all day. I caught an endless parade of smallmouth bass, including some several stringer specials. I did catch several that were too small to fry, but that is better than not catching anything.

My friend was feeling pretty low. I was also taking the opportunity to rib him all that I could.

I would hook into one and say, "Oh look, it's another one for me. And how many have you caught?"

The only thing meaner than school kids on the playground is a fishing buddy that is getting the best of you.

What better competition could any two people have, fishing in the same water with the same bait with similar rods and reels? We were even fishing from the same boat.

Then it happened. I knew it had to, eventually.

He hooked into the side of a smallmouth that looked somewhat like a submarine coming through the water. I was really happy for him, but of course I would have rather caught it myself.

I still ribbed him a little, but no matter how much I gloated and called, I couldn't get past the fact that the one fish that he hooked into was twice as large as my biggest one.

Call it male ego problems, but I couldn't be satisfied with catching more fish, I wanted the biggest one, too. I guess I am like that dog that dropped his bone in the water looking at his own reflection.

Nonetheless, we had a nice fish fry and ate them all up, big and small. That made me feel much better about the whole affair. I suppose it was like wolfing down the evidence. That and the fact that I was finally out of the sun. My skin had turned a nice shade of pink even before I got in out of the sun, a sign that it was time to find more shady areas in which to hang around. I think I will add a parasol to my boat next time I go.

I am just glad that I don't have vinyl upholstery or a vinyl couch any more. I can imagine having to pry myself free of the seat with a spatula or perhaps a flat-ended shovel.

After my fishing extravaganza, I found myself metamorphosing into something less than human. I was still shaped the same, but I knew I was changing into lobster man.

Yes, lobster man - able to scream loud curses at a single touch, dodge speeding lotion and itch in ways I previously would have thought impossible. What superhuman powers to have, eh?

And what is it about a sunburn that makes everyone you know want to touch you. I have had people poke me, pat my back and try to hug me. I know what those people mean when they tell someone that he or she is "invading my personal space." I needed all the personal space I could get. If you ever want to keep someone from being friendly with others, burn their skin to a nice pork-rind like texture and you won't have to worry about it.

I didn't even want to touch myself. I found myself wishing that I could just float on air and not need to touch anything. Even when I was getting dressed it felt like someone had slipped sandpaper into everything. I did offer thanks for a few moments when I was putting on my underwear and remembering a burn I got in the 1980s right after tanning beds found their way to this area. That was my first, and last, experience with a tanning bed. I don't have any reason to be in one of those death traps anymore, which was run by the evil lady in Galax, Va. who told me, "I think you'll do just fine on 30 minutes."

Looking for remedies, I was told that wearing white will "take the burn out," so I put on every white shirt I had. One at a time per day, of course. I even changed the sheets on my bed so that they would be white. After living that first night with my skin on fire, I was willing to listen to any kind of advice. I don't know if it works or not, but it did not hurt, unlike some advice I have listened to in the past.

Once I had a friend tell me that toothpaste is good on a burn. Let me tell you, it really works. Apply it with a round hair brush or a nice sharp comb and you won't have to worry about sunburn anymore. Of course, you might have to go to the hospital for the countless skin lesions you will be covered with, but anything is better than sunburn, right?

I have also heard that vinegar and water will help, but then you have to go around smelling like a salad dressing or worse. I marked that off the list.

Try putting Absorbine on it, someone suggested. That will light you up, let me tell you. You can forget all about the sunburn for a little while after that is applied. It is almost as exciting as covering your back with arthritis hand cream. I tried that, too. It really is better to have a back ache.

So I decided to skip on to my own, personal home remedy. Aloe vera, lotion and time. With those three things, a sunburn is survivable - even if only barely.

It does make you wonder why a person can't remember to wear sunscreen. Perhaps the sun's rays reduce our recollection of past pain.

Any idiot knows that it is much easier to apply sunscreen once than it is to apply lotion and creams and other potions countless times after you have already deep-fried yourself. Go figure.

Get more tongue in cheek commentary this week's issue of the Alleghany News!

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