It would appear that I have been chosen for a prestigious award. I received an envelope just the other day, all the way from Zurich, Switz. I wonder where that Switz place is? Perhaps it is in South Carolina, or just west of Paris, Texas.

At any rate, the letter said it was coming from Cambridge, England, where I have been selected to be a "blah-blah-blah" medal of achievement winner. That British mail truck sure does take a round-a-bout route, don't it? All I have to do is send in 125 sterling (with a little "L" looking thing in front of it), and they will send me a medal and a diploma. I thought that awards were supposed to pay money, not cost money.

The diploma says that I have been chosen for the 20th Century Award for Achievement. Of course, it does not illuminate me as to what I might have achieved. If you are wondering how much 125 sterling is, it equals about $215 American dollars.

That is roughly enough to buy 20 acres of prime land in North Dakota, seven pairs of Levi jeans (on sale), or get yourself a medal of achievement.

Now there's a tough call.

I hope I am not insulting anyone here who has just ordered their own personal medal of achievement, after all, the letter does say that the honor was bestowed only upon a "carefully selected small number of men and women in all parts of the world."

It also noted that my qualifications have been approved by their senior editors, making me a candidate to receive this prestigious award. I didn't know they read this newspaper in England....

Just the honor of being noticed is enough for me. The medal and diploma would be more than I could bear. It is signed by one Mr. Jon Gifford, Frank's estranged son, no doubt. He probably ran one of Kathy Lee's third world sweat shops before taking over as the "editor and chief" of this new, illustrious organization.

Why, I could go ahead and get it and put it on the opposite side of the trailer as the posted sign, therefore preventing it from overturning through virtue of the counter ballast. Then again, my deer antler collection could probably do that and it would make me feel a heck of a lot more at home. Maybe that is why I was nominated for the award, my "stag" hunting prowess. Yeah, right.

At any rate, I just thought y'all would like to know that there is an international celebrity in your midst. Fan mail can be sent to me here at the office. If you need an autographed photo or anything, just let me know.

I bet folks will be lining up out the door just to see me now that I have been picked to receive the Silver Medal of Honour (not honor, mind you - this is an Honour, obviously a much bigger deal). I just noticed that, in much smaller print, the letter also offers me the Bronze Medal of Honour. The bronze medal will only set me back 105 sterling. I don't know if it will turn my neck green or not. It doesn't have a very good picture of the medal, you know.

Now, if I choose to take both the medal and diploma, I can pay just 205 sterling, or $350 American dollars. You know, shipping that big chunk of silver all the way from Zurich (whichever Zurich it may be), would definitely eat into their profits. Maybe I will offer to come pick it up. How far of a drive is it from here to England, anyhow? I hope someone lets me know. Maybe I will just take the train instead.

Perhaps I need to write them back to inform them that their letter has now joined a "special and select few tightly chosen pieces of literary sales-pitch marvelousa." In order to get a copy of their certificate of "marvelousa merita," they'll have to send me a few hundred lira, two franks and 30 rubles. I might also ask them to throw in 20 drachma and a peso. With all that added together, I can probably buy myself a hamburger and French fries.

I bet I can get 10 million rubles for $5. Then I could finally call myself a millionaire and a man of the century.

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