I recently got a new chair and it is already making squeaking noises when I lean back in it.

It is most likely worthy of note here that I put the chair together myself. I really didn't want to tell anyone about that part, but it is a requirement of honesty. I am consciously trying to be completely honest.

Earlier, I was on the phone and someone asked me, "Is that a dog barking?"

I didn't know what they were talking about and said that I didn't hear anything. A few minutes later, I moved again and was heralded by, "That sound right there: Is that a dog in your office or what?"

"That's my chair squeaking," I said.

"Maybe you need a new chair," I was told. I just told them that maybe I do, I didn't bother to say that I already have a new one now that makes loud squeaking noises. Was that a lie?

As for the chair, I never thought it sounded like a dog barking, I was always worried that someone would think it was a more rude noise. So I find myself afraid to move while I am on the telephone.

This leads me to hold a position during entire conversations. Needless to say, I get rather uncomfortable at times. I just got off the phone with a person who was rather long-winded and could hardly wait to hang up because my foot was cramping.

Isn't it odd how a foot can cramp when it really doesn't do anything? I could understand a cramp or two if I could use them to pick up things or hang on to tree branches. But no, not my feet. They don't do anything and they still complain. Kind of like me. I hope you all know I am kidding. Sort of. At any rate, here I am, on the telephone, with a foot cramp, trying to sound nice.

I was answering all the questions carefully and trying not to let my cramp get the better of me. I could have easily fixed the problem if only I could have moved my chair and taken off my shoe.

Instead, I tried to get off the phone and then fix my problem. A foot cramp is like a wedgie, it isn't something you can live with for long periods of time. "Yes, and thank you for calling," I found myself saying while the person on the other end was still in mid sentence. However, my pleas went completely unnoticed and I found my right foot had curled into an impossible ball. My shoe was almost ready to pop off on its own and my face had turned red. Of course, I couldn't see my face at the time because I couldn't move my chair to get up and look in the mirror and besides that, my foot was crippled and I couldn't walk anyway. But I know how my face feels when it looks red. After awhile, I just told the whole truth, which is what I should have done to start with. I figured that everyone gets cramps and has chairs that make untimely noises. It isn't that odd. So I just shared the entire story, pretty much as I have written it here.

The person on the other end of the phone started laughing and said, "If you wanted to get off the phone that bad, you didn't have to make up that terrible lie. You could have just told me." With just a hint of exasperation evident, I simply laughed along and said, "I'm glad you understand."

I then moved my chair to slip off my shoe and my determined phone partner said, "Was that a dog barking or do you really need to go for other reasons?" Sometimes you can't win.

It's just one of those deals where you tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and end up in a bigger fix than you would have been in if you had just told a silly little lie to start with. Then you tell the truth and folks think you are lying anyway.

I suppose that our society has just grown comfortable with the lie, heck, even the president does it. I guess telling a little "Clinton" every now and then isn't even frowned upon these days. Republicans can't really say anything about a president lying on television either. Remember Nixon? He liked to lie so much that he recorded everything so that he could listen to himself lie on tape. Clinton didn't have to record himself, he has those trial transcripts to look back over. But we all do it, if you think about it. If it isn't the entire truth, then it is a partial lie. That is where this stuff gets confusing. I don't lie, but I don't always share the entire story. I figure that everyone else can just go out and find everything out the same way I did. Thus, the struggle goes on.

But that still doesn't help me with my chair. I suppose I should just get some WD-40 and stop worrying about it. Me, fix something? Hah! Now I am lying to myself. I think that is the worst kind of lie you can tell. Oh well, I can just hope that maybe anyone who is talking to me on the phone will just think that either I have a dog in the office or I am "really in tune with my inner self." Wouldn't that just be a hum-dinger?

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