I was trying to come up with something to express my thoughts on the holidays. This is what I came up with; I hope you enjoy it.

It was the week before Christmas and outside the house,
I’m busy removing a half-eaten mouse.
The cats shopped early for their Yuletide goods,
I stepped on its remains while fetching some wood.

The stockings aren’t hung by the chimney with care,
because the woodstove’s too hot over there.
Instead they are placed up over the chair,
above little hands that can’t reach them there.

So it’s into the car, and off for a ride,
so my friends will have the best gifts I can find.
Note to my friends: afford wouldn’t rhyme.
I’ve presents to buy, but the store’s such a zoo.
Why did I wait ‘till December to shop this year, too?

I parked down the lot,
three miles from the store,
and set off to hike all the way to the door.
I was breathing hard and the weather was brisk,
but dodging the honking cars was the principal risk.

I can’t find what they want,
I don’t know what they have,
I don’t like to shop...
I’ll buy everyone plaid.

Next month I’ll wonder why the bills are so high,
and the electricity is outrageous because of those darn Christmas lights.

But as for the bills, to them I’m no stranger,
but these outdoor ornaments can pose hidden danger.
The electric cord was shorted to my mechanical deer,
and I was nearly electrocuted while attaching his ears.

None of the lights we own ever seem to come on at first shot,
until I check every bulb and tape every spot.
But just in proving I’m up to the task,
I finally fixed the fuse and they worked at last.

The Yule banners outside activate my motion light,
and one blew away in the windstorm last night.
To save on the power, I turned off the light in the house,
so now you know why I stepped on the mouse.

The fake spiral tree we put on the lawn
keeps falling over because one anchor is gone.
So on one side, I put a flowerpot,
now my cats like to visit that tree quite a lot.

Speaking of trees, I went on a mission,
seeking one last piece of our holiday tradition.
Soon we were singing a tune we didn’t know in the past,
when we cut our own trees in the field with an axe.

Prices of $30 and $40, or $50 we see,
oh Christmas tree, how can I afford thee?

I finally found a Fraser for $28 bucks,
so I took it home in the bed of my truck.
Then on the porch and out with the saw,
oops there’s now a big hole, I’ll turn it to the wall.

Then we put on a smile,
and hang lights and bows,
as the needles hit the carpet
and stick in my toes.

But I am determined to greet each day with cheer,
because I know, it’s a special time of year.

A birth to remember,
no doubt did take place,
but how do we honor it as we celebrate?

Where is the peace and goodwill to men due?
Right now I’m too busy in search of a Playstation 2.

It’s all too commercial,
we all sing the blues,
but no nativity scenes, please, we might be sued.
You say it’s still Christmas and what can they do?
Well try telling that to the ACLU.

Drop the religion, the carols and things of that sort,
or our lawyer will be there to meet you in court.
Even the Christmas star soon would be doused,
for being too religious if it were to come out.

Old Santa is great and everywhere is his face,
from candy we buy to the cookies we bake.
And the carols are sung with the utmost of care,
let’s forget about Jesus and sing about reindeer.

Wise men and a virgin?
That story’s far-fetched.
A team of flying deer and cute elves are the catch.

But as the family is gathered in front of the fire,
please pray for all of those who’ve yet to be hired.
Think of the children with no presents at all,
wondering why they aren’t being visited by dear Santa Claus.
Soon Christmas will end,
its time will be spent,
but will we ever learn, it’s not a retail event?

No, it isn’t for Santa or his magical deer,
it isn’t for presents and lights or stores far and near.

Let us remember in a most thoughtful way,
the most precious gift given that first Christmas day.

Even if that’s an event you cannot believe,
at least be kind to all those you see.
And remember this year, don’t send more fruitcake,
and move out of the way, that’s my parking space.

And as this column heads out of sight,
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

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