I recently read in a statewide publication that there is a call out for a family to take part in a new version of a popular television show.

The search is apparently centering on about six states, including North Carolina, for the new "Beverly Hillbillies." The premise for the CBS television show will be similar to the original show, except the participants will not be actors this time.

The network is searching for a real family to take part in the show, which would include a California mansion with maids, personal assistants and 24-hour-a-day video cameras. I suppose this would be a new version of the show "Big Brother," hillbilly style.

While television in general and reality shows in particular do not appeal to me, I can see this particular idea as having merit. For instance, I can see my own family fitting nicely into the new show.

Of course, we do lack a wiry little granny, since both my grandmothers have died, but nobody said the family would have to be identical to the original show. We have my father, the grandfather who can still spit tobacco juice from a recliner into a milk jug without lifting it off the floor. That's something the rest of America doesn't get to see every day.

My mother probably wouldn't live through the first few weeks of the show, sadly. She would likely kill herself trying to clean a mansion like the one on the original show. Not only would that provide stress, she would also have to follow around the maids and teach them how to clean house the right way.

I know she usually goes behind me when I do something there and cleans it again. She says I don't do it to suit her. But there's only so many ways to wipe a kitchen counter, I figure. She just doesn't figure like I do.

I also have a sister who could pass for the cousin Pearl in our group. She lives in the city and could whisk in for a visit to tell us how to act proper like if she was a aim'n to.

Then I suppose my other sister and her husband would need to live with us, just to add some color to the show. She's no Ellie May, at least not the way Ellie May looked in the 60s. But then again, she could make the show more interesting by arguing with everyone else on politics and such. Her husband is from West Virginia and often has interesting dialect to offer to a conversation. I remember one time when a fellow hit him in the shoulder with a stick and he said the fellow "jumped out and dogged me." There's one you don't see every day. For several weeks after that he had to ice down his arm to keep it from swelling. Since he already had the ice and a sling, he just slipped in a few beers and made himself a cooler. Now that would make for interesting television, if you asked me. He doesn't really drink much anymore, but I bet he would put on if someone offered him a job on a television show.

I could also take part, bringing along the old pickup trucks and junk parts out of my yard, not to mention the stacks of lumber I plan on turning into a woodshed one day. Perhaps I would lack the interests of Jethro, but my aimless carpentry skills could certainly entertain a multitude.

Most of the real characters in my family have passed on, I suppose. I had some uncles that really could have spiced up a television show, but they are all gone now. I have only two living blood-related uncles, both of whom are fairly normal, although one is a retired Baptist minister. He has a Danville accent, that kind of Virginia sound that is not really like the southern accents I am used to. I suppose you have to talk a little fancy when you preach at a church in a city and all.

The rest of my remaining family members are aunts and in-laws. Of course, on a more serious note, the real problem with the show will be finding a family that's really never seen a ‘cement pond' or that thinks a pool table and sticks are a dinner table and pot passers. With the information age and the age of television, it would be much better if the producers just went out looking for a new Buddy Ebsen (Uncle Jed) and started from scratch. The truth is, the chance of finding a family in this country who doesn't at least watch television would be slim to none. Like I said before, it was easy for the original show's producers to take care of any such problems, they just hired actors and the script took care of the rest. If you want a family to really be that "backwoods," I don't think it can be found in regular, intelligent people like the hillbillies seemed to be (other than their obvious lack of travel and their mountain clan culture).

All kidding aside, the chance to have such a family come from our own state would be a big help for our ailing film industry. We could definitely use the national exposure that might come with having a local family on a prime-time television show.

So, if your family seems to fit the bill any better than mine, you might ought to contact the N.C. Film Office or the Department of Commerce. Y'all come back now, ya hear?

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