I was going through my to do list today, trying to figure out what will get done versus what will not.

I am one of those people who always puts more on the list than can possibly get done, just so I don't have too much time on my hands.

I guess it comes from years of working with other people in a ‘business' atmosphere. I have learned that it is always better to have too much to do than too little, for those with too little work are either jobless or are given more. If the load is heavy enough, there is no need to add weight. Even in the evenings and on weekends, I will schedule myself an impossible amount. However, no schedule is set in stone, no matter how much we might wish it could be. My lists are usually on disposable, barely legible legal pads or scrawled on sticky notes and calendar pages.

That's good in a way. You probably need an ark to tote around your stone tablets and I understand that has been lost for a long, long time. Anyhow, I do schedule important things first and try to get things scheduled in order and mark them off as they are done. Setting goals like this helps give me a sense of accomplishment in a job that doesn't always have as many milestones as millstones. Think about it: When you work for a newspaper, you are always working toward next week. When it finally arrives, it is then last week. In other words, this week is actually last week's edition and the coming week is the current week's work. So we are already a week behind to start off with. Adding to our lack of a sense of accomplishment is the fact that everything we did before is in a recycling bin somewhere or conveniently placed under a family pet.

If you found yourself lost in my explanation, don't feel bad. I am feeling rather confused myself. I better get back to the list or risk losing pace.

My lists always start off with things I need to do, but the order doesn't always surface immediately. If an appointment has a time, that makes life easier. It's everything else that requires thought. After setting priorities, I try to get to work, usually only to learn that I had my priorities wrong. The next week, I toss the list after copying over the things that I still feel are important to remember.

I am already carrying a large list before I start. I need to dig the potatoes and carrots, clear off the garden, pick pears and apples to be canned and wash and clean the truck and car. I also need to clean the rabbitry and move all the junk out of the basement and off the back porch. As you can probably guess, this is just the beginning of the long list of things that I absolutely must do. The list is endless; items appear, or reappear, to fill voids left by accomplishment.

But adversity helps put our lives in perspective. It is surprising what might seem important one day, but not so important the next. Sometimes I set priorities and forget to schedule periods of rest, relaxation and socializing. While these may seem the least profitable uses of time, whenever a friend dies, like one of mine recently did, you think about the time spent with them that is now past. Time can't be reclaimed, this we all know. But the value of our memories also can't be calculated in common terms.

Perhaps it is all part of our grief process, but I think that every death serves as a reminder to make a little more time for those we love. When all is said and done, the time we spent with our friends and family will be foremost in memory, not the other million things that we must do to get through another week.

With my selective memory (I only voluntarily recall that which pleases me) I will probably have to live with lists, calendars and sticky notes for the rest of my life. From the ones on the computer screen to the ones on the steering wheel, they are my guidance in times of confusion. They keep me going the right direction when distractions inevitably rear their heads.

But you know, it isn't the to-do list that has the most effect on my life. Instead, I have found that it is how I do what must be done, my attitude, that really has the most impact on the end result. I often struggle not to lean toward a pessimistic point of view, because there is no victory in pondering defeat and which way it might come. Hope, tempered with reality, seems the only logical course. So I try to prepare for hard times, while keeping my eyes focused on my hopes, dreams and aspirations for the future.

There is a writing by Henry Thoreau that I often try to think of when I feel overwhelmed. I don't recall its name, but in gist, he wrote that we can't really help what happens in our lives each day, since so much of it is outside of our control. However, we can affect the way we respond — bless or curse ourselves through our reactions to life's good and bad events. I recall a story about an Amish man who always stopped at a certain stand. The man who ran the stand, venting his personal anger and frustration, would often abuse him verbally. Even so, he always responded with kindness and a smile. When a passerby noticed the vendor abusing the customer, he asked, "Why do you let him talk to you like that?"

"I can't change his actions, but I also don't have to let his actions affect the way that I am." Instead of being a victim affected by others, the Amish fellow was affecting those around him with his attitude. For me, that is one of the hardest principles to grasp. Anyone can go on slogging past each chore, one at a time. It's doing it with a smile that's not always so easy.

I have heard that when rainbows seem hard to find, it's because no one's looking. Maybe I'll put that on my list of things to do.

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