I spent most of the weekend in bed nursing a case of the flu-monia, as I like to call it. I had all of my favorite symptoms: coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, sweating, shivering, sniffles, snorts, choking and weakness.

If that wasn't enough, I also had upset stomach, lack of motivation and poor television reception.

There is nothing worse than having poor television reception when suffering from a major illness. I was watching the news on Channel nine, which I get in slightly offset doubles. Compounded by my already double vision, I had four Colin Furgusons, something that would make anyone reach for a cold rag and a hand full of Tylenol. Having already overdosed on acetametaphine, I opted for another run to the restroom. I hate to watch television, but I find that I can not read while trying to recover from the flu-monia and just lying in the floor is pretty boring, so I will turn on the television to try and take my mind off of my problems.

Friday night wasn't bad. I reclined in my chair in the living room and slept until about 11 p.m. and watched the news and then took more medicine. Infomercials provided entertainment for the next few hours while I rolled impatiently in a fever-induced dementia.

Sometime this week I will most likely receive three packages from RonCo, a complete home gym that operates off of rubberbands and a year's supply of Y280 motor products, guaranteed to make my clunker run like a new beamer.

Those infomercial people are in high gear now, since it is flu season and all. They realize that those of us with no adult supervision can be easily convinced at 3 a.m. of the merits of a product that magically removes scratches on any color car. Who cares if the side of my truck has been totally collapsed in a collision, I'll just fix it with the set of magic scratch-erasing crayons.

Once that fellow with the British accent told me it was marvelous stuff, how could I say no?

Most nights, while on the way back from the restroom after watching most of a Monday night football game, I laugh at those who would be ignorant enough to believe anything on a late-night infomercial.

I just didn't realize that all you need is a fever of 103 or so and way too much time on your hands. Thank the Lord I don't have cable or I might have gone entirely insane on the Home Shopping Network.

On the lighter side, I recovered mostly by Sunday, I was off the TV with the fever reduced and the main sickness alleviated. By Monday morning, I was at work with a slight headache, feelings of worthlessness and muscle soreness (a typical Monday at the office for most of working-class America, including myself).

On the dark side, I must admit that due to newly-imposed budget constraints, those of you expecting Christmas presents may get my late-night leftovers - just hope I don't have a fever around your birthday.

Get more tongue in cheek commentary this week's issue of the Alleghany News!

Email: allnews@ls.net