I almost died of electrocution the other day. It wasn't that glamorous or even exciting, unless you consider holding a lamp in water exciting. It all started because of the rabbits. They are always causing problems of one sort or another.

In this case, they were doing what rabbits do best (besides doing you know what) — turning 50 pound bags of rabbit food into 100 pounds of rabbit doo-doo.

Needless to say, I have to clean up after them quite often. I decided to try and rinse off the area with the water hose when I discovered a slight problem. It was late evening and my porch light is a defunct motion-sensor.

So, being the genius that I am, I went into the house and picked up my handy-dandy, multi-functional desk lamp.

Little did I know that I was on a one-way street — Electric Avenue.

Having said this, I would like to point out that I had a senior reader tell me the other day that my columns make me sound like an idiot. Not the way they are written, mind you, but the stupid stuff that I seem to be doing all of the time.

Looking back upon my life with a bit of perspective and a great deal of hindsight, I must say, "I agree."

Of course, I have a theory that states we are all carriers of the blatant stupidity virus and it's just a matter of time before we get sick. Really, look back at your life in the privacy of your own home and think about all the stupid things you have done.

Ever called someone's current spouse by the name of their ex-spouse? That's a good one to do.

Try calling up a date and asking for the wrong person and have your number appear on their caller-ID box. There's a stroke of genius. How about backing into your own vehicle when getting ready to leave your house? Maybe having more than one vehicle has its down side.

Ever shot the neighbor with a B.B. gun while trying to get a dog out of the garbage? If you haven't tried that lately, let me tell you, it's a real hoot.

I have done all these and more, but those are stories for another time. I think the smarter you become, the more readily you realize how stupid you are. What is intelligence, if not the realization of our own abilities — and limitations — and the ability to utilize that knowledge for the betterment of ourselves and humanity.

Then again, I don't see much benefit in shooting the neighbor with a B.B. gun, an act that certainly didn't lead to greater neighborhood harmony or give me any right to claim the Nobel Peace Prize. On the other hand, Arafat isn't exactly the most deserved recipient in history either. He has people killed all the time and he got one, so why not me?

All I did was make a little red place on my neighbor's shin and I didn't even see him coming around the side of the building.

Maybe there were benefits to it after all. It did give my neighbor the opportunity to share with me his feelings about me that must have been pent up and bottled up for some number of years. It was a learning experience for me to hear new words as a youth. Sometimes it just makes me feel good to know that I took part in such a healing exercise.

Remember the lamp and the water? I was writing about a lamp and some water about 20 paragraphs ago. At any rate, I went out and sprayed off the porch without incident and picked up the lamp to head for the house. Only then did I realize that something or someone had caused bare spots on my lamp cord. I found this out when my water-soaked hands lifted the lamp cord — here's the clincher — to keep it out of the water.

Soon, I was vibrating up and down like a hammer drill on high speed. Luckily, the lamp cord was loose and it came unplugged from the drop cord, which was located on dry ground. My life didn't flash before my eyes, but I did see a flash as the voltage hit me. With the current gone, I just stood there for about a minute making a humming noise and then managed to uncurl my fingers from the cord.

You know, I wouldn't think that rinsing off some rabbit dookie was something that could be a life-changing (or life-ending) experience.

Besides, how cruel an end would it have been to be electrocuted while doing such a task? The tabloid headlines that would surely follow would be enough to send my parents into hiding. From the ordinary, like "Man electrocuted while scooping poop" and "Editor fried by frayed cord cleaning doo-doo;" to the extraordinary: "SHOCKING: Man electrocuted by rabbits." As for being electrocuted, don't try it at home. It hurts. On the bright side, if it had done me in, at least I would have been guaranteed an epitaph worth remembering. That's more than I could say right now.

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