It's cold and flu season again, time for putting aside half of my income for various medications that I can't pronounce.

Last week I caught a ‘bug,' as we say here. I finally went to the doctor after three days of trying to ‘wish' it away and he told me something I already knew. "You're sick."

Of course, he used other terms that ended in ‘itis and then told me what I wanted to hear. "I have three prescriptions for you at the front desk." "Thank you," I said between hacks and sniffles.

There's nothing a sick person likes to hear better than prescription, at least until they have to pay for said prescriptions, which invariably do not come in generic.

I guess I shouldn't be so hard to get along with, at least I didn't need Ciprofloxacin. While I was thankful for this and other blessings for a while, soon after getting the medicine and starting to dose myself, I proceeded to spend most of the time trying to remember my own name.

Once a man forgets his name he is apt to do almost everything else out of whack, let alone having enough sense to take medications on time and wishing I could recover without them. I had some cough syrup, antibiotics and some decongestant pills, all of which combined give a body the feeling of detached reality that could only be attained through overt flu-control drug use.

Besides the antibiotic pills, which thankfully only needed to be taken once per day, the other stuff I am taking has an ingredient I can neither pronounce nor spell, so I will just tell you that it combines nicely with the cough syrup to induce a dream-like state.

I find my head nodding over every once in a while inexplicably, as if under the trance of some misguided hypnotist. "You are asleep, you are awake, you are asleep...."

If that isn't bad enough, I don't fall asleep that easily at night when I lay down. It seems that I am right on the edge of sleep and I have some really weird dreams.

With medicine like that, illness is almost preferable, one might conclude. I did just that and skipped a dose prior to work on Friday and soon regretted it terribly.

While the medicine was bad, the sickness was definitely worse. Better to function with a doped up mind than not function at all, I say.

While my knees seemed to bend of their own accord, my head felt somewhat airish and I couldn't seem to concentrate on much of anything. Of course, I often wondered if it was time for more cough syrup.

The syrup contains hydrocodone, which is not suggested for those about to use heavy machinery, drive a car, talk in complete sentences or walk about sensibly.

I can't see why that heavy machinery label is necessary, but it was right above another label that said, "May be taken with food" and "May cause dizziness — alcohol may intensify this effect."

That reminds me of the last woman I dated. That was quite uncalled for, wasn't it? Don't blame me, it must be the cold medicine talking.

I will be really happy when I get over this stuff, but probably not as happy as everyone around me who has had to hear me whine, moan and snore about it.

In fighting this illness, I tried to get plenty of rest at night, take medicine when I was supposed to and drink lots of fruit juice. In the meantime, I ended up still awake during the wee hours of the morning, allowing my medications to abuse me (rather than the other way around) and driving my bulldozer through the neighborhood while drinking cheap bourbon. Since I was supposed to take the syrup with food, I decided to drive the dozer down to the restaurant and pick up a few burgers, but opted against it when I realized:
A. It was 4 a.m.;
B. Burger joints are closed at 4 a.m.;
C. I was feeling rather feverish; and
D. I was only wearing my underwear and bedroom slippers.

To top all that, I splashed my face with cool water and, in a moment of clarity, realized that I didn't even own a bulldozer and hadn't had cheap bourbon in the cabinet since I was in college. With those facts in mind, I figured it was time to wake up and smell the ‘coffee' syrup.

That just goes to show you that you can't teach an old trick new dogs and you can't write a column while taking too much cold medicine. But everyone already knows this stuff, I suppose. I must be getting back to bed soon, as I feel a bit under the weather.

Besides, I think I left my dozer double-parked in the fire lane.

Get more tongue in cheek commentary this week's issue of the Alleghany News!

Email: allnews@ls.net