So it's time to send in the bombs? I saw a few hours of a little black screen that they said was Afghanistan on the news the other night.

Being a patriotic American, I took it upon myself to write President Bush a letter extending my offer to run coalition forces and the entire operation. Most of the leaders of our forces would not write about their plans in a local newspaper, but since the media seems to already know almost as much as the president and congressmen do, I don't guess it really matters. No matter where important things begin, they always end up in a newspaper somewhere, so why not just start this thing right here on our pages? While I have no experience in these matters, I do have a few ideas that might prove fruitful for the invasion that will undoubtedly come in some form in the coming months. This time, let's have a President Bush that knows how to finish the job.

I would start by sending in Jesse Jackson, like he offered to do awhile back. Perhaps the Taliban can keep him and his special breed of Rainbow love can be shared around the Arab world. Besides, he is sure to cause all sorts of uproar while he is there, if his actions in this country are any indication. In fact, we could make him ambassador to Afghanistan, where he can he can tackle real issues like running for his life as men with Kalishnikovs and camels chase him through the streets instead of him chasing his secretary here in our country. That's sure to divert attention from our anti-terrorism efforts.

Perhaps our next step could be finding a few special commandos to drop into the areas occupied by the Taliban. These operatives could fly in under various code names like ‘cheeseburger' and ‘chicken wing' and force the population of the country to eat hamburgers and French fries. After all, those people are starving and there has never been a war between two countries with a McDonalds. In this country, we have McDonalds, Iraq does not. Russia has McDonalds, Afghanistan does not. I could go on and on.

I think we need to start ‘Operation Hamburgler' worldwide to stop the evils of terrorism. Pimple-faced managers ordering around towel-headed Afghan teens deep-frying fake chicken pieces could very well turn this whole thing around for us.

Of course, here in Alleghany we have other fine restaurant chains, but for one reason or another they are not as internationally active. I personally prefer the burgers offered locally to those offered elsewhere, mainly because of the drive time.

As for internationally active restaurants, I did see a large statue of Colonel Sanders near Red Square. It really seemed out of place, but you know that the sign for that company is all red, so I suppose it fit better than most. I wonder if people there really think he was a colonel?

Chicken does sound a lot like Chechnya, so I suppose he could even become somewhat of a hero if things go the right way. We can only hope the Russians can handle that one on their own without us helping their competition as we did the Afghans.

If we can't turn the Arab world around with our hamburgers, maybe we can try other things that we might take for granted here. One thing to think about is the pervasive nature of American culture. Good blue jeans, designer shirts and name-brand shoes are just one facet. One or two bottles of Breck and a free makeover and all of those women might get rid of those things over their heads and faces. Why, I bet American women would wear something on their head, too, if they didn't have shampoo and hair spray. A few truckloads of Mary Kay's finest and those women will be mounting up machine guns and taking over the place. It's never a good idea to get between a woman and her face stuff.

In addition, it doesn't look like grooming is all that important to the men in that country either, just by looking at Osama Bin Laden and his bunch of henchmen. I would say they are getting to be ‘stenchmen' by now, living in that cave and all. Instead of using radar, we can probably smell them as we fly over. At least they won't be as hard to find. Our pilots could just crack the window and drop a bomb every time they gag.

There is another opportunity for us to settle this peacefully: We could woo them diplomatically with a lifetime supply of High Karate. Maybe then Osama could get himself a wife who would help him find his softer side. We'll deliver the perfume first, because after awhile even a camel is bound to draw the line and say, "You're not getting on my back smelling like that."

If that doesn't work, we'll win them over with our own special blend of music. Can you imagine walking through Kabul and hearing leftover hits of the 70s — special songs like, "You've got a friend," and "Love is all we need." Those Afghans would be too overcome by violent convulsions (or extreme bursts of emotion) to kill anyone. You see, Mr. President, all they really need is a little love and a well-placed missile or three.

Get more tongue in cheek commentary this week's issue of the Alleghany News!

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