I am on hold right now, waiting for a person to come back on the phone. I have already bypassed the automated phone system in my usual way, by dialing zeros until someone starts talking. It works about half the time.

The hold stuff is music mixed with advertising, both going simultaneously. "Were you aware that most windshield damage can be fixed at no cost to you?" I hear while waiting for a human. "How about my car?" I thought. "Why can't anyone fix it?"

Soon a human came on the line telling me that I need to send in a report of my accident. This is my insurance I'm talking to, I had yet to hear from the other party's insurance.

After a long drawn out questioning session, my insurance informed me that they couldn't locate his insurance. I finally decided to find his insurance myself. With his name in hand, I began calling all the insurance agents in Galax, Va. It took awhile, but I eventually found his agent. Indeed, he had given the wrong company name to the police officer on the scene. Surprise, surprise. At least he was insured. I felt relieved (for a while). I called his company with the assistance of my insurance company and they gave me over to a woman who asked me a million questions and gave no answers. After that, she told me "an adjuster will contact you within the next 24 hours." Well, there you go.

Finally, some action, albeit five days after the wreck. The adjuster finally called me back on Friday and immediately copped an attitude. "We need you to send us the police report and we need some more information before we do anything or tell you absolutely anything," the sorry excuse for a female said.

I tried to explain that I had already given all my information to her company. "If you don't work with me, you'll just be making this more difficult for yourself," she warned menacingly.

Of course, I didn't see that being any type of real possibility, considering that I had to personally track down this company that was now treating me like yesterday's garbage.

The adjuster then gave me the good news. The other motorist, with seven last names (none of which I can pronounce), has not reported the accident to his insurance company. Great, here we go again. The adjuster then had the nerve to ask me if I could get his number for her.

"You insured this guy, right? You took his money and promised coverage for anyone he runs over, am I correct? Now you want me to find him for you?" I said all in one breath, with more than a little hostility present. "I would suggest you invest in a phone book and find a work ethic, perhaps then you will not need to threaten accident victims into doing your job for you." You catch more flies with honey, they say; but I always see them buzzing around manure.

Again I was chided for my apparent lack of cooperation, in less than amicable terms. Insurance companies in general seem to be filthy rich and evil creatures and I suppose they pour forth their excrement from the mouths of their wicked adjusters. Perhaps I could hire a blood-sucking lawyer to assist me, but I don't think I know any of those. Besides, who's to say which party would have blood removed by said lawyer? Likely both and I'm about bled out already.

The adjuster then informed me that an inspection of my car and payment of any and all expenses are not possible until she personally speaks with Mr. Whatevera-His-Namos. This was getting better all the time. In addition, she would also be writing my fellow accident participant, even if he is in Guadalajara, to get his side of the story.

"We're only getting one side of the story here," she explained, defending the ‘rights' of a man who obviously got his license from a taco stand.

"Of course you are madam — the side listed on the police report that states your client was charged with causing the decimation of my automobile," I reiterated.

Failing to understand my rather angry but literary discourse, she instead told me I would have to wait for 30 days until she could attempt to contact him and then wait another 15 days while she wrote him with a warning of cancellation. Then, at last, if she hadn't heard from him the company would refuse to pay all claims. Isn't this just great? So, she suggested turning the accident in on my own insurance and waiting for repayment (if they can find him). Maybe I should just buy him a new car, too, just to thank him for pulling out in front of me. Gee, I really appreciate your attempt on my life, here's a car, sir. Have a nice day.

Perhaps I need to call my Uncle Vinny to get some help on this one, if I had an Uncle Vinny. I'm not asking for compassion here, just normal business courtesy. At least guys like Uncle Vinny always know how to teach manners to people in the movies.

At any rate, after getting off the phone I decided to think before acting, which I always preach and seldom practice. If I turn it in on my own insurance, I may have to pay a higher premium and deal with all of the other mess. As if that isn't enough, I have a $500 deductible. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't have that much hidden in my sock drawer these days. Actually, I usually feel lucky just to have socks in the sock drawer with the way the economy is going.

Perhaps I could just send this fellow a thank-you note for helping me annihilate any resonance of optimism I might have gathered up needlessly and remember what a truly crappy world this can be sometimes. Well, I can't very well do that without a correct address, but perhaps general delivery will work. Does anyone know the zip code for Guadalajara?

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